11: Nightmares & Dreams
Keeley didn’t know where Joe was, but assumed she’d meet him in her room like normal. Or, the current normal, as it was actually quite far from normal. Dinner had been quiet and strained between herself and Joe. She wasn’t willing to apologize just yet, and he wasn’t willing to break the silence.
Instead, she found him asleep in Cara’s rocking chair, with one hand resting lightly on the edge of the crib and the other holding her monitor. She looked at her sleeping daughter and pressed her finger tips to her lips, and then onto Cara’s forehead, whispering goodnight. She took the monitor from him and kissed his forehead.
Falling asleep, she noted how odd it felt not to fall asleep in his arms, something she’d grown accustom to already. She didn’t know that it was a lack of security that caused it to feel different and uncomfortable not to be sleeping next to him.
Joe woke up when he felt her kiss his forehead, but didn’t want to face her just yet. He was mad at her for getting mad at him for something that was none of her business. So what if he was supposed to call his brothers and opted to go to the park to play with Cara instead? He could call his brothers tomorrow. They weren’t on a deadline. Well, not yet. They probably would be soon. But a beautiful autumn Saturday wouldn’t be there tomorrow. Not for you to be able to take a 17 month old out in, anyway.
He was content to spend the night miserable, sleeping in the rocking chair uncomfortably and missing the feeling of her in his arms. He knew his nights with her were limited, knowing his bed would be there soon. But he didn’t want to give into her. Not yet. He wanted to with stand her for a night. Not let her have complete control over his mind, body, and soul. And it had been working. Until he got up to pee, that is.
As he entered the hallway, he heard a muffled sobbing sound coming from her room. He peed first, and then went to check on Keeley. Maybe she was upset about their fight and was willing to apologize. Though it wasn’t a fight as much as it was her wrongly being mad at him. He cracked open her door and peered in. He found her thrashing around on her bed, crying almost hysterically and calling out Amber’s name over and over.
“Amber, don’t leave me! Don’t leave me, Amber! Please!” she was muttering, her face a mask of torture. “Don’t leave me, too, Amber. Don’t abandon me! Don’t abandon me, too, Amber! Please, Amber, don’t do this!”
Joe carefully approached the bed and laid down next to her, tentatively wrapping his arms around her. “Shhhh, calm down, baby. It’s okay. Relax. Think about Cara…”
“Joe…” Keeley whined in her sleep, burying her face into his chest. “I’m sorry, Joe… come back. Please, don’t leave, too…” Her pleads weren’t nearly as frantic, more begging. “I need you. You gave yourself to me… I still want you… let me keep you. Don’t go. Please don’t go…”
Joe didn’t know whether to be happy that she wanted him or sad that she thought he’d leave her, too. “I’m right here, baby. I’m not leaving. I’m sorry, too. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He kissed her forehead and whispered, “I’m yours. Forever. Keep me, Key. You already have the key to my heart, keep it safe.”
Keeley woke up feeling strange. She was buried into something hard, which later turned out to be Joe’s chest. His fingers were coming her hair as he said her name over and over in an effort to wake her up.
She finally groggily opened her eyes and asked, “Joe?”
“Time to get up,” he explained softly.
“Umph,” she groaned. “Why?”
“Church,” Joe chuckled.
“It’s too early for church,” she whined, snuggling deeper into his chest. “Wait, when did you come to bed?” she asked.
Joe looked away for a moment and then looked back at her, staring down into her eyes. “When I heard you sobbing and yelling,” he replied honestly.
Keeley’s eyes widened with fear. “Oh no. You saw that?” she gasped, panic flooding her body.
“You were screaming about Amber. You were begging her not to do something, not to leave you, too. Who else has left you, Key?” his inner curiosity winning over his tact. Then again, he didn’t have much tact.
“That’s multiple stories for another time,” Keeley said, pushing away from him. “But I was begging Amber not to slit her wrists. It was the first time she tried to commit suicide. I didn’t think she’d try again… or I’d notice it. I should have noticed! I should have known she wasn’t just high or stoned. I should have realized that she was in shock! I could have saved her if I went to her before I went to check on the baby… I could have saved her…” she was curled into a ball on the other side of the bed, sobbing hysterically. Joe quickly wrapped his arms around her compacted frame, trying to calm her down. “Her eyes weren’t even completely open or closed… and they were so glazed over. I can’t believe I didn’t notice. I could have saved her, Joe… I could have saved her…”
“It’s not your fault,” Joe insisted softly. “You did exactly what Amber wanted. You put Cara first. It was Amber’s choice to leave this world. If you stopped her this time, she would have tried again. She didn’t want to be here anymore. That’s all that matters. You did what she wanted. What were the last words she said to you?”
Calming down enough to speak normally, Keeley let the memory of that night wash over her again. “Kiwi, I need you to take care of Cara. I just… I can’t do it anymore. Please just come take care of her. You’re the only person I trust with my baby. More than I trust myself,” she repeated Amber’s words. “I told her I’d see her in a few, but she just hung up.”
Joe forced Keeley to look up at him. “Keeley, her dying wish was for you to take Cara and take care of her! Why didn’t you tell the judge that?” he asked, quite confused.
“They wouldn’t have believed me. Besides, I didn’t even realize that until now,” she whispered, tears still present. “Oh, God, Joe. I have to have her. Now more than ever. Now it’s not just my desire to take care of her, but Amber’s too.”
“You will. I promise. And you’ve got me to help you,” Joe promised.
“What?” Keeley looked up at him in confusion. “Joe, don’t say that… you have a career that is your main priority.”
Joe shook his head no. “Doesn’t matter. I mean, yes it matters, but that I can still be there for you. And I will be. Key… there were two parts to your dream. After I calmed you down over Amber… you started apologizing and begging me not to leave… that you still wanted me… and that I’d given myself to you, that you wanted to keep me.”
Her face flushed as she buried into his chest again. “Oh, God,” she groaned.
“Relax, I’m not mocking you. You want me around and I’m going to stay around. I promise. And when I can’t be here, I fully intend on brining you with me wherever I go.” He lifted her face from his chest and smiled into her eyes. “I’m sure we can both fit in my bunk on the tour bus.”
Keeley found herself smiling as well and bit her lip to keep it from spreading too far across her face. “I get the wall so if we hit a bump, your ass is the one falling out of the bunk. Or I can just push you out if I need to,” she teased.
Joe caught her lips in small, short kiss. Just enough to satisfy his urge, and hers as well. “Ew. Morning breath,” they both cringed. They weren’t that close when just talking, but kissing, well, you were a whole lot closer when kissing.
Keeley sighed, “Joe… I hate to put a damper on your sweetness, and all… but seriously we’ve known each… 4 days now? And you’re making me all these promises? This all feels just… so rushed. Slow down, please? The last thing I need is to become depended on someone else again-”
“Again?” Joe interrupted.
She purposefully ignored him and kept speaking. “Just be here for me. Leave the adorable speeches out of it, please?”
He looked away for a moment and looked back. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I can’t help it. When I fall, I fall hard. And this time? I’ve fallen harden than I ever have in my life. I think I might have broken something that’s how hard I’ve fallen.”
“I think it’s more of you’ve got a concussion and aren’t thinking straight,” Keeley mumbled to herself.
Joe glared slightly at her. “Well, excuse me for being honest.” He actually seemed offended.
Keeley groaned, and returned her face to his chest. “Ugh, Joe… I didn’t mean it like that. I just, serious, how many girls a day tell you that they love you?” she asked.
“A lot… is that what this is about? You’re jealous?” Joe asked utterly surprised.
“No!” she insisted quickly. “That’s the complete opposite direction I was going for. How many of them actually mean it? How many of them think ‘OMJ! If I could marry a Jonas Brother… I’d like, die and go to heaven!’?” she asked, imitating a valley girl.
Joe started laughing pretty hard, which was a bit awkward for Keeley, whose was still resting on his chest. “Did you really just say OMJ? Oh, wow… that is priceless… and yeah, I know, a lot. But I still don’t get the point,” he pointed out once he sobered up a bit.
“My point is, people think they know what love is and they don’t. And you know that Princess in Denial we like to talk about? Well, she wants to wait for Prince Charming to say those words when he sweeps her off his feet and carried her far, far, far away. Not just a stable boy trying to woo her.”
Joe thought about that for a moment and then asked, “Wait, am I Prince Charming or the stable boy?” he looked completely serious when he asked the question, because well, he was.
Keeley chuckled. “At the moment, Joe, you’re a stable boy. But, you’re turning into my prince. You’re not there yet.”
Joe nodded. “Okay, I get it,” he sighed slightly. “Come on, we have to get up. Church still awaits. I woke you up early so we could talk.”
“Oh, right. Oh, and about last night… I was out of line, I’m sorry,” Keeley apologized.
Joe kissed her forehead and whispered against it, “Someone needs to keep me grounded.” He pulled back as if he said nothing and spoke, “Come on. Mom went out and got Cara some new dresses yesterday while we were out. She needs to look cute for church.”
“Are you going to match again?” Keeley teased him.
Joe smirked as he moved to the door, “Maybe.”
Keeley watched Joe leaving with a conflicted mind. On one hand, she felt like she’d known him forever, though it was only 4 days. And she felt so comfortable, so safe with him. It amazed and terrified her. She wanted to give into everything he was saying, wanted to be with him in every way, wanted to love him and be loved in return. But the other side of her, her rationality, kept winning. She had only known him for 4 days. And despite how amazing he was with Cara, which she knew would be a major factor when she ever started dating again as guys her age tended to stay away from teenage mothers- biological or not-, she knew she couldn’t be with him. Cara was her priority at the moment and that was all that mattered. And the fact that they were both falling so hard, so fast. It just screamed disaster. That made the chances of them falling out of love just as easy.
And yet Joe seemed to believe that they were destined to meet and be together forever. He wanted them to be. She knew he didn’t have the greatest track record with girls. Did he tell all of them that he wanted to be with them forever? Did he tell Mandy, or AJ, or Chelsea, or Taylor that it was forever? Was he even over Taylor? Granted, he broke up with her, but no one knew why. Yes, she’d endured a long tyrant from Marissa about Joe’s love life, long before she knew that Keeley was living with him. But further more, Keeley didn’t fit his stereotype. Blonde. Actually, she was pretty happy about that one.
Keeley shook her head and got out of bed. After getting dressed for church -thankfully she had a pair of dress pants and a nice blouse as none of her dresses or skirts were appropriate for church- she made her way into Cara’s room, just as Joe was coming up the stairs. He was dressed similarly to her, almost, in dress pants and a matching vest with dress shirt and tie.
“Look who cleans up nicely. Awe, you straighten your hair,” Keeley made a slight face. It was just a tad too long in the back for her to like it straight. She preferred his wavy mass to the straighten locks.
“I prefer to have it straightened in public unless I’m being a bum for the day,” Joe explained. “Why, you don’t like it like this?”
Keeley thought for a moment. “It’s a little too long in the back. A trimming would do you good. Then it would look fine.”
“Fine?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I like it wavy,” she shrugged nonchalantly, entering the room.
Joe just chuckled. “The dresses are in the closet.”
Keeley began rummaging through the ten new dresses that Denise had bought Cara. She was going to comment on how expensive they were, but remembered she wasn’t allowed to complain about how much they spent on Cara.
“That was all you had church worthy? I was kinda hoping I’d get to see you in a dress or something,” Joe said off-handedly as he picked Cara up out of her crib and began changing her diaper. It still amazed Keeley that he could do that. “It’s so weird that she doesn’t have a penis,” he mumbled to himself, being used to changing a baby boy’s diaper instead.
“None of my dresses or skirts are church appropriate. This was literally all I had,” she answered. “And why is it weird?”
“Because there’s nothing to move out of the way,” he explained. “It’s not bad, it’s just… different. Wait until you change a boy’s diaper. It’ll be weird.” Keeley chuckled but didn’t respond. “We’ll have to go shopping this week,” he spoke suddenly, startling Keeley, who was trying to decide between two dresses.
“What?” she asked, walking over with them. “Blue or teal?” she held up the dresses.
“Teal,” he answered. “Because you need new clothes.”
“The clothes I have are fine,” she argued as she began to undress Cara while Joe grabbed her tights and shoes.
“Are you going to wear that to church every week?” he asked knowingly. She groaned and begrudgingly shook her head no. “Exactly. Besides, I’m giving you a mini-shopping spree, what girl doesn’t like shopping? Especially when she’s not paying?”
“The independent type who don’t like pity?” Keeley offered.
Joe groaned. “It’s not pity. It’s more for me than you, anyway. If I’m paying, I totally demand a fashion show.” Keeley looked at him oddly. “I swear, I’m not gay!” he exclaimed. “Please?” he said softly, grabbing her hand.
“If your mother approves, and you’ll have a limit. Or, I’ll have limit,” she bargained, finding it incredibly hard to deny those eyes once again.
“Joe! Keeley! Time to go!” Denise yelled up the stairs.
“Oh, yeah, what, um, service are we actually going to? I have no idea what religion you practice. All I know is that you’re Christians, so…” Keeley asked as they made their way downstairs. For once, Joe was letting her carry Cara herself.
“Evangelical Christian,” he answered. “Basically, on the fence protestants. We aren’t overly fundamentalist or liberal. We’re kinda the middle ground,” he explained at her blank look.
“Ooooh. Yeah, we’re supposed to be enemies,” she laughed softly.
“Why’s that?” he asked as they reached the car.
“I’m Catholic. You’re Protestant,” she explained simply.
“Oh,” Joe said, not really sure how to respond. He and his family were pretty open minded about others’ religions, but he wasn’t sure how to handle the girl he was pretty sure he was falling in love with being a different religion. He didn’t know how she would handle it. Or how he would handle it. If she was Protestant, it’d make life a little easier. But she was catholic.
“Good thing I was only raised that way and I have my own opinions about religion, huh? Or else this would be serious blasphemy for me,” she continued to talk about the subject on a light note, as if it wasn’t something major. But to her, it wasn’t. To him, it was.
Joe forced a laugh at her joke, but turned to look at his mother with a ‘help me’ look. She simply smiled at him and drove to the church they went to whenever home.
Once they parked and Keeley was preoccupied with Cara, Joe pulled his mother aside. “Why is she so nonchalant about this? I’m freaking out in my head!” he cried softly.
Denise patted his shoulder. “Because a. you aren’t dating. B. unlike you, she hasn’t decided she’s going to spend the rest of her life with you. And C. religion’s not a big deal to her. She said it herself, she’s Christian, though raised Catholic, and has her own opinions. Stop worrying. She may find she likes our way and then you’ll have been worrying that pretty little head for nothing,” she teased, patting his hair. “You need a hair cut. It’s getting too long in the back.”
Joe chuckled, “That’s what Key said, too. I’ll go tomorrow.”
“Good, are you done worrying over nothing? We’re going to be late,” she walked over to Keeley and Cara. “Come on, dears.” She ushered them inside with her while Joe trailed behind.
He realized that maybe Keeley was right. Granted, he did really care about her, but if he was honestly freaking out over her religion, than maybe he didn’t love her as much as he thought he had. If he truly loved her, her religious point of view would not have mattered. Though, he found himself wondering what her opinions were. Maybe, there was a chance, she was a little right? He cleared his head. No, he was a devote Evangelical Christian. But he could compromise a little, couldn’t he?