Summary: Not available
Categories: Jonas Brothers > Angst, Jonas Brothers > Drama Characters: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Word count: 2861 Read: 2675
Published: 05/14/2020 Updated: 05/14/2020
1. Chapter 1 by The archive
2. Chapter 2 by The archive
Another night. Another cut. Another pair of pyjama bottoms covered in blood. My hands were still shaking as I pushed the cloth against my skin to keep the red liquid from seeping out some more. This time it was the word “FAT” carved into my skin, along with a few other gashes along the top of my thigh. Fifth time this week. I had relapsed again. Nineteen years old and this had been going on for the last eight years. Someone as young as eleven years old shouldn’t be having the thoughts that she is fat, she should never have to over think what she is putting in her mouth. Everyday going to school shouldn’t seem like such a struggle, being reminded about how your weight was different from the other girls. You couldn’t run as fast as your friends, you couldn’t fit into the same clothes as your friends. Being told repeatedly that you are ugly. A eleven year old should NEVER hear those words. No-one any age should hear those words being spoken to them.
Eventually after begging and breaking my heart crying my mom finally decided to take me out of school after the principle decided that nothing could be done with it. Bullying wasn’t that much of a big issue. Those words that were shot at me everyday still haunt me. The words echo in my head every time I look in the mirror or if I try on new clothes and they don’t fit. Every time blood is drawn, it’s one cut for every person who has ever made me feel worthless. A few years back my mom found out and I became more sneaky. I used to slide the blade along my arm but now I go for my thigh, so much easier to cover.
I had a blog, everyone has a blog these days I guess. Only one of my best friends know about everything that I have going on, she also has a blog but not one as personal as mine. Tumblr. I’m sure you guys have heard of it, no doubt have one. It’s the one place where I can at least be myself and say how I feel. But recently I had been getting anon hate. Everyday actually.
“I’m going to tell you everyday until you get skinny. Im helping you. FAT”
That was one of the first messages I had gotten. It had just gotten worse since then, sure I had my followers telling me otherwise but those didn’t really stay in mind. The word fat always registered.
“Pheonix, dinner!” I heard my room mate call from the other room. I loved her, I really did but sometimes she just gets too much and I need some time away from her, today was one of these days. “Pheonix I said-”
“Liv, please. Will you like stop yelling” I mumbled walking out of my room and picking up the plate of pasta that she had made. I sat down on the couch beside her, crossing my legs and resting the plate in between m legs and just stirred the pasta with my fork.
“I know you mean well Liv but seriously you’ve made a rule that I need to eat with you beside me but you don’t need to stare at me” I snapped frustrated and deliberately scraped my fork along the surface making her cringe. I knew how to annoy her.
“fee, I’m just looking out for you” she sighed. I knew she was but some days it was just too much.
“I know, you just need to chill out a bit, I’m fine” I said putting pasta in my mouth and resisting the urge to spit it back out.
“I can see the dry blood on your pants” she said quietly but I just ignored her and focused on every bit of food I was putting into my mouth.
“I wish you wouldn’t worry Liv” I said and decided that I was done, I couldn’t stomach anymore.
“Eat some more, please” she asked but I shook my head and stood up, taking the plate into the kitchen and then I went back into my bedroom, Liv’s eyes on me the whole time. I wish she would stop worrying.
That’s what made this whole thing worse. Sure I was doing physical damage to myself but I could see the hurt in my best friends eyes every time she knew I hurt myself. That’s why no-one else knows. My parents think I’m fine and I’m planning on keeping it that way. Especially since my little sister is only fourteen years old and is getting to the point that she is fanatical about her looks and what she wears. I don’t want her to think she is anything but beautiful and if she saw what I was doing to myself then she would think it was okay. It isn’t.
Falling back onto my bed I let the tears fall, I hated knowing I was the reason for the hurt my best friend was hurting but then I was crying because I had just eaten. Every time some sort of substance except water went in my mouth I felt the need to throw it back up, it didn’t belong there. I needed to be skinny.
I refreshed my blog page and noticed I had another message. Great another anon. probably getting insulted yet again, at least this time I’m ready for it.
Hey so I’ve been looking through your blog, you seem like this amazing, funny girl and I don’t understand why you listen to the haters. In my life style I get haters coming at me from all angles and I know it’s different but don’t listen to them. They don’t know you. You look beautiful and your defiantly not fat. Just don’t listen to them. I’m sorry im anon and you probs thought I was someone hating on you but really I just need to stay anon, personal reasons. I will make a point of messaging you every day until you see just how beautiful you are.
You know I had been getting nice messages but some how this one hit me hard. My chest was heaving up and down and a rapid speed and I was finding it hard to breathe. Someone cared. I didn’t have the strength to reply right now. I just lay on the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and cried. Liv came in a few minutes later, when she saw me she sighed and came and lay on the bed beside me and pulled me into her.
“You cant live like this Pheonix” she whispered and I nodded. “You need help baby girl” she said and I could hear the sadness in her voice.
I didn’t respond but just tightened my grip round her body. Right now I just needed to feel safe and at home. One day I would actually have the strength to look at myself in the mirror and be honest and say that I was happy with my body. Just not today.
so this is just a trial i guess. I've been thinking about posting this story but i have been really struggling with deciding to or not. If people like it then i will continue it but y'all need to know that it won't be regular updates, i'm so busy with school and stuff.
People always tell me, write what you know. I've never really done that before but with this story i'm basically putting it all out there. What you see in here, i've basically gone through.
If you want my tumblr, then ask me i'm quite open about everything so yeah.
just let me know what you think?
Waking up the next morning I rolled over to see an empty bed, it was always like that. Liv would stay with me until I fell asleep then she would go into her own room. I lifted the blanket off me and got out of bed. Today would be better than yesterday. It was always like that, I would have such a rough night and then the next day I would be feeling better. If I had a bad night but isn’t as bad as it could be then the bad days can go on for at least a week at a time. Today was a good day, I was smiling. A real smile.
After I had taken a shower, I had quite a bit of dried blood to clean off my leg. I made pancakes for Liv, it was my way of thanking her for the night before. I left them on the table with a glass of orange juice, she would be up in a few minutes. I went back into my room and looked for a pair of baggy sweats and a vest top to slip on before looking for my shoes. I had a aerobics and zumba class to teach today. Every Saturday morning at 10am I had an hour session down at the university halls. I tied up my hair and put my ipod into my bag and headed back out of my room.
As usual Liv was sitting already scoffing down her breakfast, I grabbed a bottle of water and leaned against the counter while I waited for her to talk.
“Good day?” she asked without even looking at me, she loves her pancakes.
“Yupp it’s a good day” I smiled nodding and she looked up at me with a massive smile on her face.
“How much of a good day?” she asked raising her eyebrow and I titled my head.
“I think today I might actually feel the tiniest bit pretty” I mumbled causing Liv to squeal and pull me into a hug before she sat back down to eat.
“I love these days! Can you come out with the gang tonight?” she asked excited and I bit my lip.
“maybe not that good” I said then looked at the clock. “anyway I got to go! I’ll see you in an hour” I said hugging her before rushing out of the door. The university was only a few blocks away so I decided to just walk.
UA (University of Arizona) is the school I go to, however I only take one class, Creative Writing. I loved it. Writing was probably one of the ways that I could stop myself from hurting. Whenever I felt the urge to self-harm and it is one of my strong days I will sit on the laptop for hours with my ipod and just write. I don’t know why I chose Arizona to come to, I’m originally from Las Vegas, Nevada. I know right, who moves from Sin City? Me. It isn’t what you see in television and movies, I mean sure the main strip is exactly like that but the other parts of the city aren’t that much fun. Once I got into the hall everyone was already there and ready to start, I hurriedly set up my ipod dock and everything else up.
“okay lets go!” I exclaimed.
“fee!” Liv came running towards me, laptop in hand. “So remember last night you got that cute anon message. You got another one, yeah I was on your tumblr. But it’s from the same one and it’s a dude!” she squealed and jumped onto the couch and I followed shaking my head.
“Will you chill out, it’s only some random person trying to make me feel better” I shrugged but couldn’t help the small smile that appeared.
“You so want to know what it says! I can see that little smirk!” she laughed and handed me my laptop before standing up. “Okay, I’m going to get ready. Are you sure you don’t want to come? I think we are all staying at Frankie’s tonight” she said standing up but I shook my head.
“I’m sure. Go have fun” I encouraged. Sure it was only nearing mid-day but this group liked to start early. They actually don’t start drinking until like 5pm, I think they are going bowling today. Who knows.
I kicked off my shoes and pushed everything from the couch so I could lay on it and get comfy, resting my laptop on my stomach. I laughed when I noticed that the screen was still on my messages, I hadn’t replied to the one last night but since it was the same person I guess I could just reply to both in this one.
You didn’t reply last night, I’m not sure if its because I creeped you out I mean I would be pretty scared if some guy randomly messged me or some other reason, im hoping its not the first one. But how are you today beautiful (don’t argue)? You doing good? I’ve got some down time right now so we can talk if you need someone. J.
I read over the message a couple of times before replying, I wasn’t sure if I was kinda freaked out that some randomer was finding time to make me feel better or if I was happy that someone took time out their day to make me feel better. He did sound like a pretty busy dude.
Yeah I kind of lost it last night after your message, sorry about not replying. I’m not scared I’m grateful, really. I’m doing good today thanks, and I’m gonna argue anyway. I’m not beautiful. How are you? J? hmm Jamie? John? Jamima? What’s your name? you know mine.
I decided to quickly change into my pyjamas and get some food, a salad of course before jumping back onto the couch. There was still no message so I just browsed through my dashboard. I smiled seeing some pictures and videos from Joe Jonas’ concert the night before, yeah I was a fan. I couldn’t go to any of his shows, he didn’t come to Arizona so I was a little upset about that. I wasn’t one of those crazy obsessed fans but yeah I would have liked to go to his show. When I refreshed the page I smiled when I saw the little red box up the top with the number 1 in it.
I didn’t mean to upset you, and I’m glad you don’t find me creepy I’m actually a cool dude. You really are beautiful. Argument finished! I’m good, a little exhausted though, it’s been a busy few weeks. I would like to say my name is something awesome like Jamima, that would be so much fun. And Pheonix huh? As in Arizona?
He didn’t give me his name. I laughed at his excitement about the name Jamima. Cute.
You didn’t upset me, and oh modest are we? What’s got you so exhausted? And yeah like Arizona, don’t ask why in my name the e is before the o, it makes no sense to me but it’s pronounced the same way. Pretty strange I live in Tucson Arizona so I get asked if I was named after the city all the time. Nice dodging the question, what’s your name creeper?
“okay fee, I’m heading out. Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Liv asked standing in front of the couch.
“Olivia. Go!” I laughed and she glared at me.
“No need for the full name Pheonix!” exclaimed causing me to laugh. “Love you lady” she said giving me a hug before skipping -literally- out of the door. I wonder about that girl sometimes.
Looking back at my laptop I smiled, another message.
I’m very modest actually! And you know playing music and stuff like that. I was born in Casa Grande, Arizona! Dude! Why move from Sin City? That is like the most fun place ever, well I guess you’re under 21 huh? I am not a creeper. You can call me DJ Airhorn ;)
We had basically messaged each other back and forth for another few hours before “Dj Airhorn” -yes he actually made me call him that- had to get back to work, apparently he had to meet with a lot of people. Strange. Turns out he is twenty-two and lives in Los Angeles, how lucky. He said he would message me whenever he could, he said he would be getting less busy as the weeks went on so we could talk more. Is it bad that I’m excited?
I browsed through tumblr for a while then decided I should probably work on some of my homework I had for class on Monday. Yeah I know, what idiot does homework on a Saturday instead of going out with her friends. This idiot here. Sometimes the group Liv and I hang around with can just get too much for me. Except Frankie. I love that boy, he is such a cutie and is like my brother. I love him, he’s awesome.
I couldn’t help the smile that was still present on my face. If this is what happened when I spoke to random people on the internet then maybe I should do it some more. Or maybe I should just stick to the same random anon, he seems legit. And has such a fun personality. I mean Dj Airhorn? Really? Who would even come up with that name?
so this chapter isn't good at all, i don't expect you to say it is. This story will probably take a few chapters to actually get into.
i want to thank you guys so much! the response on the first chapter really surprised me and the fact y'all were so nice and yeah it really helped me
so let me know what you think?
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