Within days the alleged details of my 'affair' with Sean were all over the press, so I knew Nick would have seen it. As one tabloid put it-
‘Shane’s ‘Abbi’ and He Knows It’
Shane O’Leary looked like the cat who got the cream last night, as he welcomed his ex Abbi, wife of Nick Jonas, into his home with a kiss. Our sources in LA tell us that Abbi and Nick are currently filing for a separation, after less than 4 months of marriage amid claims of her cheating with Shane. It looks to us like those claims may just be true!
I also knew he'd received the court papers my lawyer had sent regarding our legal separation. Since I no longer needed an injunction against Sean, I’d used the lawyers appointment to start the proceedings. I know that it might sound ridiculous filing for a separation over photos that would now never see the light of day, but there was more to it than that. I had my reasons; I'd realised I'd only ever hurt Nick, I was too damaged and he deserved better. The faster we got out of this marriage and he was able to move on the better.
There was also the fact I was too scared to let him love me, not that I’d ever admit to that.
Carmen was absolutely furious with me, she told me over and over that Nick and I were made for each other and that I needed to let the past go but it was easier said than done. She also went crazy at me being seen with Sean again. I hadn’t even had the chance to explain it all to her because she wouldn’t listen to a word I said. As for Sean, I hadn't heard from him since that night, which was at least one reason to be cheerful.
I spent the rest of my time in London hiding in my room, eating and watching films that made me cry so I could blame them for my tears. I just had to remember this feeling of emptiness would pass and I could go back to keeping everyone out. The only other productive thing I did was to negotiate a permanent move back to the London office, with a promotion. I’d have a week back in LA to pack up my things and tie up loose ends. Like signing the official separation agreement with Nick.
When Carmen got home that night I had to make her listen to me, she needed to know I was coming back for good.
‘Carmen...’ I called after her as she stormed through the door I’m a dramatic fashion.
‘Unless you’re telling me you’ve seen sense, I don’t want to hear it’
‘I’m moving back to London permanently. I have a week back in LA and then I’ll be home again. I just thought you should know’ I turned to go back to my room.
‘Permanently? Please tell me this has nothing to do with Sean?’
‘I’ve dealt with Sean, he’s no longer got anything to do with my life. If you’d let me explain before, you’d know that’
‘You’re on self-destruct mode, you’ve left the only man I’ve ever truly seen you love because you “might” hurt him. You’re hanging around with your poisonous ex and now you’ve given up your life in LA. So please forgive me if I wasn’t doing backflips in anticipation of hearing about you and Sean. I’m only being tough on you because I bloody love you, you absolute idiot’
‘Look, with me and Nick, it’s just got too much, it all went too fast and I’m scared because I know I’m only ever going to hurt him. You’re right I do love him but I just can’t, I can’t do it to him. I need you to respect my decision, please. I need you right now’
Obviously we were now both in tears and hugging each other.
‘You’re a fucking idiot and I can’t understand what the hell you’re doing but I’ll respect that’s what you’ve chosen, even if it is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Now tell me, what is the truth about Sean, it’s killed me not knowing’
‘I can do one better than tell you actually’
‘You didn’t!!!!’ She squealed.
'Do you want to hear it?' I asked looking up the file in my phone.
'Are you even serious, play me that recording right now!'
Seans voice came out of my phone-
'Stop, stop. I'm sorry. Put your dress back on Abbi. This isn't right'
'So you've changed your mind now or what?'
'I've fucked up badly, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I always just thought you were angry with me because of the cheating. I just thought if you'd spent one night with me then you'd remember all our good times and want to be with me again. I wish I knew all of what you've just told me before. Oh my God I'm so ashamed of myself'
'Just remember, it's not just my life you've ruined now, it's Nick's too. He didn't ask for any of this, he just loved me, that's all he did wrong'
'I don't know how I can even begin to fix this do you want me to call him and speak to him?'
'Stay away from me and Nick. You can't do anything to fix it now, it's too late. The only thing you can do now is give me the photos and videos of me and move on and be happy yourself'
'That's the thing Abs, I don't even have the videos or photos. I burnt them all when you left me'
'Wait, so you're now telling me that the thing you've made my life hell over for years doesn't even exist anymore?'
'No, I'm sorry'
'Do not speak to me ever ever again, and stay out of my life'
The last sound on the recording was me slamming his door closed. The press hadn't seen that part, had they?
I watched Carmens face as she took it all in.
'You're an absolute lunatic. That was a risky little game was it not? What if he'd insisted on going ahead?'
'I'd have done it to prove a point. But I haven't told you the best part, he's only just found out I recorded it because I've sent him a copy too, just so he knows I've got an insurance policy'
'Oh my god, I love the irony, you stopped him releasing a video of you by taking a video of him!'
'I told you to trust me, didn't I?' I smiled.
Back in LA, I had seven days. Nick tried to talk to me a couple of times before I got back but we faced each other for the first time at the Courthouse. I was already sat waiting when I saw him walk in with his parents by his side. I was there alone and instantly regretted turning down Carmens offer to come back to LA with me. I kept my head bowed, I didn't expect for one minute they'd want to talk to me, outside signing the papers.
'Abbi?' I raised my head and Nick was in front of me.
'Yes?' I answered, it was the only word I could muster, he still took my breath away.
'Can we talk for a minute?'
'Ok', I replied and he signalled for me to follow him around the corner. My heart beat faster. Seeing him again only confirmed that I was still head over heels for him.
'You look really well' he said, looking slightly awkward.
'Thanks, you look well too. But I'm guessing you didn't want to discuss how well we both look, so just tell me, what is it? This is hard enough'
'There is something I need to know before we sign these papers'
'What? I fucked up and lied to you, what more do you need to know'
'No, not that'
He leaned in and kissed me. Despite myself I couldn't help but kiss him back. This was a total mind fuck. His arms went around me and I melted. If felt so good, so familiar but I eventually found the strength to pull away.
'What was that?' I asked gathering myself together
'I needed to know if you still love me as much as I love you and I know now that you do. So why the hell are we here doing this today'
'I've told you, I'm doing this for your own good because I love you'
'That's bullshit as well you know. Look if you can honestly tell me it's what YOU want I'll go in there right now and sign those papers and you can get on with your life and I'll try to find a way to get on with mine without you'
'Nick, Abbi, they're calling you in' shouted Denise
'And if I can't?' I looked Nick in the eyes.
'Then we go in there and tell them it's off, the separation, everything and we go home and actually give this marriage the go it actually deserves'
'Nick, come on, everyone is waiting' shouted his dad
I walked away from Nick as fast as I could, tears rolling down my face. This wasn't what I wanted but I had to put him first. As I rounded the corner at top speed his dad grabbed my arm.
'Don't do this' he looked me right in the eye.
I was taken aback 'It's whats best for Nick, you were the one that warned him about me in the first place, you should be happy'
'I can see now that this is wrong, seeing you today. you clearly both love each other deeply'
'He deserves better than me. Now let go of my arm please'
I walked into the office and sat down, Nick followed me in and sat opposite me. I just about held it together as I signed my name Abbi Jonas for what would probably be the last time. I could hardly bear to look at Nick. His eyes silently pleading with me not to do this, but I had to.
As soon as it was finished I literally picked up my bag and ran out to my car. There were cameras everywhere taking my picture and I felt a panic attack about to begin. I turned the key in the ignition and drove off, just in time to see Nick watch me drive past, luckily my huge sunglasses would have hidden my bloodshot eyes and the tears falling from them.
The girls in the office tried to cheer me up but as soon as I got home that night I'd found myself pining for Nick. Everything in LA reminded me of him, and the tour publicity was everywhere. I didn’t turn on the tv or the radio that whole week because they'd be there. I'd told myself life had to go on but it was hard to listen to my own advice when I usually got things so badly wrong.
Evan and the girls in the office rapidly arranged a leaving night for me on Friday, the day before I was due to fly home. I was actually really excited about it, I wanted to say goodbye to everyone and at the same time it meant my LA adventure would officially be over.
Evan had pulled some strings and booked a large section of the VIP area in the hottest new club. We got there super early and the drinks were flowing immediately. I was trying to be careful with how much I drank though because I didn’t fancy a hangover on the plane but Evan was insisting that everyone had to do shot after shot after shot!
'Careful now Evan, the last time I drank like that I accidentally got married in Vegas' I laughed
'Erm, talking of Vegas, don't look now Abbi, but Nicks just walked in with Joe and Kevin and a load of people' he said as quietly he could with the music pumping.
Seeing Nick tonight was the last thing I needed. I tried to play it cool and look over my shoulder but Nick immediately noticed me and I could see him whisper to a girl whose arm was linked in his.
'Where's these fucking shots then Evan, I think I need them now!'
'Coming right up!' He replied.
5 minutes later, shots galore appeared on our table.
'Drink up bitches!' I shouted happily throwing back shots galore. Except I wasn't happy, the man I loved was across the room with another woman and it was all my own fault but I couldn't let him see how upset I was.
After those shots disappeared a tray of tequila shots appeared. I realised it was Villa One. I immediately knew who'd sent them over. How dare he. I was irrationally furious. I stood up and walked over towards his table. He saw me coming and smiled, standing up and walking towards me, he clearly thought I was happy to see him.
'Thanks for the drinks but I don't really drink tequila anymore, it makes me do stupid things'
'Like marry me?' He asked pointedly, raising his eyebrows. He was clearly tipsy too, I could hear it in his voice. I ignored his comment.
'I'm leaving for good tomorrow so LA will be all yours again, you won't need to worry about bumping in to me anymore'
'But what if I want to bump in to you' he asked.
'Then you're crazy, you can do better, like her maybe. Now if you'll excuse me I'm leaving, I've an early flight and I've got a habit of being late and apparently you're here with another woman anyway so....'
'So.....she's my friends sister, nothing shady, I just walked in with her'
'Sure Nick. Take care of yourself' and I walked away before I said too much.
I went over and said goodbye to all my friends from work and left the club, even though it was still early. I stood outside in the cool evening air waiting for my uber when Nick appeared at my side, wrapping his ridiculous designer multi coloured bomber jacket around my shoulders, that probably cost my months salary.
'What do you want?' I asked rather harshly.
'I want to make sure you get home safely'
'Well I'm a big girl, I'm sure I'll manage' I said as I slightly stumbled. 'Bloody heels' i muttered.
'Yeah I can see that but I'd rather make sure you were home safely though. You are technically still my wife you know'
'Really, I must have forgotten that' I replied sarcastically.
My Uber pulled up.
'Thats me, I'm going now, bye Nick' I went to kiss his cheek, and just like on the first date he turned towards me and the kiss landed on his mouth. I stepped back in shock and got into the cab but he opened the opposite door and got in too.
'What are you doing?' I snapped.
'I told you I'm making sure you get home safely' he said, clearly going nowhere. 'And you've got my jacket'
'Ok but no funny business' I caved in. His eyes always had a way of winning me round. Could you blame me?
The club was only a ten minute drive from my apartment, but we didn't say a word the whole way. When we pulled up I don't know why but I was surprised that Nick got out of the car with me. I’d imagined he’d carry on back to the house we once shared.
'Where are you going? I asked
He didn't reply, instead he took my hand silently, and I let him. Despite my alcohol consumption, I managed to get the building door opened and we went upstairs. Still in silence. I opened the door to my apartment and we both walked in like it was a completely normal thing to do.
My ready packed suitcases were already by the door, making sure I was ready to leave on time in the morning. I had to be at the airport by 9 so I knew it would be a struggle after a big night out.
'Very organised' Nick remarked running his hand across the top of them.
'Very unlike me you mean?'
'So you're definitely leaving? For good?’ He asked still running his hands along the top of the cases
'Yes, but obviously I'll be back to finalise the divorce in a few months time as arranged' I said kicking my shoes off.
Nick walked over and put his finger against my lips to silence me.
'Please let's forget about that for the night, I just need to be with you. I miss you so so much'
'I miss you too, I hate that this has all happened' I admitted.
'Please come and just let me hold you' he asked.
We ended up climbing into bed fully clothed and falling asleep in each other's arms. It was the best sleep I'd had in a long time. When my alarm went at 6am, Nick didn't even stir. I managed to release myself from his arms, dress and write him a note without him waking up.
I wanted to wake you but you looked so peaceful. I kissed you while you slept and said goodbye because I don't think I could manage to say it to your face when you were awake. I'm sorry again. I do need you to know, nothing happened with Sean, he’s out of my life completely now.
I've left the key for my car for you too. Thanks for everything you did for me. We'll always have Vegas but it's time to move on now xx
Somehow I managed to wheel my two cases out the door without waking him. I took one last look at him as I closed the door to my apartment, it took everything I had not to wake him up and tell him I wanted to stay with him, but instead, I left him there asleep. Like the coward I was.