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Another night. Another cut. Another pair of pyjama bottoms covered in blood. My hands were still shaking as I pushed the cloth against my skin to keep the red liquid from seeping out some more. This time it was the word “FAT” carved into my skin, along with a few other gashes along the top of my thigh. Fifth time this week. I had relapsed again. Nineteen years old and this had been going on for the last eight years. Someone as young as eleven years old shouldn’t be having the thoughts that she is fat, she should never have to over think what she is putting in her mouth. Everyday going to school shouldn’t seem like such a struggle, being reminded about how your weight was different from the other girls. You couldn’t run as fast as your friends, you couldn’t fit into the same clothes as your friends. Being told repeatedly that you are ugly. A eleven year old should NEVER hear those words. No-one any age should hear those words being spoken to them.

Eventually after begging and breaking my heart crying my mom finally decided to take me out of school after the principle decided that nothing could be done with it. Bullying wasn’t that much of a big issue. Those words that were shot at me everyday still haunt me. The words echo in my head every time I look in the mirror or if I try on new clothes and they don’t fit. Every time blood is drawn, it’s one cut for every person who has ever made me feel worthless. A few years back my mom found out and I became more sneaky. I used to slide the blade along my arm but now I go for my thigh, so much easier to cover.

I had a blog, everyone has a blog these days I guess. Only one of my best friends know about everything that I have going on, she also has a blog but not one as personal as mine. Tumblr. I’m sure you guys have heard of it, no doubt have one. It’s the one place where I can at least be myself and say how I feel. But recently I had been getting anon hate. Everyday actually.

“I’m going to tell you everyday until you get skinny. Im helping you. FAT”

That was one of the first messages I had gotten. It had just gotten worse since then, sure I had my followers telling me otherwise but those didn’t really stay in mind. The word fat always registered.

“Pheonix, dinner!” I heard my room mate call from the other room. I loved her, I really did but sometimes she just gets too much and I need some time away from her, today was one of these days. “Pheonix I said-”

“Liv, please. Will you like stop yelling” I mumbled walking out of my room and picking up the plate of pasta that she had made. I sat down on the couch beside her, crossing my legs and resting the plate in between m legs and just stirred the pasta with my fork.

“I know you mean well Liv but seriously you’ve made a rule that I need to eat with you beside me but you don’t need to stare at me” I snapped frustrated and deliberately scraped my fork along the surface making her cringe. I knew how to annoy her.

“fee, I’m just looking out for you” she sighed. I knew she was but some days it was just too much.

“I know, you just need to chill out a bit, I’m fine” I said putting pasta in my mouth and resisting the urge to spit it back out.

“I can see the dry blood on your pants” she said quietly but I just ignored her and focused on every bit of food I was putting into my mouth.

“I wish you wouldn’t worry Liv” I said and decided that I was done, I couldn’t stomach anymore.

“Eat some more, please” she asked but I shook my head and stood up, taking the plate into the kitchen and then I went back into my bedroom, Liv’s eyes on me the whole time. I wish she would stop worrying.

That’s what made this whole thing worse. Sure I was doing physical damage to myself but I could see the hurt in my best friends eyes every time she knew I hurt myself. That’s why no-one else knows. My parents think I’m fine and I’m planning on keeping it that way. Especially since my little sister is only fourteen years old and is getting to the point that she is fanatical about her looks and what she wears. I don’t want her to think she is anything but beautiful and if she saw what I was doing to myself then she would think it was okay. It isn’t.

Falling back onto my bed I let the tears fall, I hated knowing I was the reason for the hurt my best friend was hurting but then I was crying because I had just eaten. Every time some sort of substance except water went in my mouth I felt the need to throw it back up, it didn’t belong there. I needed to be skinny.

I refreshed my blog page and noticed I had another message. Great another anon. probably getting insulted yet again, at least this time I’m ready for it.

Hey so I’ve been looking through your blog, you seem like this amazing, funny girl and I don’t understand why you listen to the haters. In my life style I get haters coming at me from all angles and I know it’s different but don’t listen to them. They don’t know you. You look beautiful and your defiantly not fat. Just don’t listen to them. I’m sorry im anon and you probs thought I was someone hating on you but really I just need to stay anon, personal reasons. I will make a point of messaging you every day until you see just how beautiful you are.

You know I had been getting nice messages but some how this one hit me hard. My chest was heaving up and down and a rapid speed and I was finding it hard to breathe. Someone cared. I didn’t have the strength to reply right now. I just lay on the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and cried. Liv came in a few minutes later, when she saw me she sighed and came and lay on the bed beside me and pulled me into her.

“You cant live like this Pheonix” she whispered and I nodded. “You need help baby girl” she said and I could hear the sadness in her voice.

I didn’t respond but just tightened my grip round her body. Right now I just needed to feel safe and at home. One day I would actually have the strength to look at myself in the mirror and be honest and say that I was happy with my body. Just not today.
Chapter End Notes:
so this is just a trial i guess. I've been thinking about posting this story but i have been really struggling with deciding to or not. If people like it then i will continue it but y'all need to know that it won't be regular updates, i'm so busy with school and stuff.

People always tell me, write what you know. I've never really done that before but with this story i'm basically putting it all out there. What you see in here, i've basically gone through.

If you want my tumblr, then ask me i'm quite open about everything so yeah.

just let me know what you think?
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